I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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