Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
