I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
