She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
