Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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