omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼‍♀️
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
