Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Randomize
