So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
