We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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