youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
