he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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