so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Randomize
