You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
