Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
