I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
