Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
