accomplished twins. life is a go
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
