I bet he comes in French.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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