chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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