And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
