Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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