Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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