that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
this beer tastes like vomit already
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
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