come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
