Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I met the friendliest cop last night
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
