so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i think i have herpe
just one?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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