dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
