i just wanna soil my oats bro
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
