I smell stomach acid.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
The beers last night were like the tears from god
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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