cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
