oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
