Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
