Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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