stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I did not marry a roomba.
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