I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
