wakey wakey hands off snakey
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
