this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
