I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
