Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize
