i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
