Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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