when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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