you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
