Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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