I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Randomize
