We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
