I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
