I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
