you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
