Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
