It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
